This wasn’t how it was supposed to feel. Where was the feeling of smug righteousness or the exuberance of “putting someone in their place”? No, it was all wrong – after seeing the look of a wide-eyed and shocked college kid who at that moment looked like he was a vulnerable 6 year old again, I just felt scared and ashamed. But that didn’t stop me.
“That is why everyone hates you and you have no friends!” I yelled. He still didn’t say anything even though his mouth was agape, in that disbelief sort of way – but I wasn’t sure, I actually can’t remember if his eyes started welling up, but I ended my soap box rant and left.
That incident happened over 15 years ago, and it is one of the very few regrets in my life that rears its ugly head every now and again. When I try to replay the incident over in my head, I honestly can’t remember most of the details, I can’t even remember his last name – but I do always remember that horrible feeling of what kind of deep and soul cutting harm my selfish tirade could have caused. That is the funny thing about regret, all the words, the actions and the elusive goals become dulled and muddled memories, while that sharp pang of regret never seems to fade.
Joe was your average doe-eyed college boy who just wanted to fit in. I don’t remember much about Joe except that he loved Jamiraqui and worked on creating a CD cover for them as a school project. He was so proud of it and shared his continual work with me. Joe became a short term roommate in my then boyfriend’s 4 person dorm suite. He was a semi-outsider from the beginning. But I wanted him to feel included, so I shared some personal thoughts on the other roommates with him as a bonding opportunity – I didn’t know that this would eventually turn into a drama-filled he-said/she-said scenario. He broke my trust by sharing these unsavory opinions with the others in his dorm suite that tarnished my reputation and I wanted him to pay for that. After pulling Joe into a room where I sat him down and then proceeded to list all the ways that he was “weird” and how everyone treated him nicely to his face but that no one really liked him, I thought I had taught him a lesson.
In the end I think the cost was too high. It wasn’t fair. I went in and was ok with crushing him. Who was that girl? Looking back I am so ashamed that it was me. That shame, mixed with regret, is a pebble in my shoe that at times turns into a boulder that I drag behind me.
But that is the funny thing about regret. Regret can be the most amazing teacher, especially when it is so painful. In particular, this regret taught me about the fragility of the human soul and how revenge through brutal honesty is one of the most selfish acts you can commit. Whenever I hear a story about school-yard bullying, my heart aches for that child, and in turn, for Joe, who I went after with the most brutal of words… the words that each human being fears the most…”No one likes you.”
And this is why I secretly hope to randomly run into Joet one day – to look him in the eye and tell him that I am sorry. I was a selfish, inexperienced, vapid college girl who thought that brutal honesty could be wielded as revenge. I was wrong and that even after 15 years, I still hope and pray that my awful actions didn’t wound him as much as I think they did.
This is why I offer this story as an open letter to Joe – in hopes that he will see that one of the worst regrets of my life was also one of my greatest teachers. So with this huge, heartfelt sorry I attach an even bigger thank you. Joe, you taught me to acknowledge the ugly actions that I, along with my fellow human beings, haphazardly inflict on those around us. Our interaction that day over 15 years ago didn’t need to happen and I realize I can never take it back. But know that this regret has guided me on a better path ever since and I can only hope that you and I will cross paths so that you can look right into my eyes and see the sincerity that I have put down in words, here, for you.
Intuition Speaks 